I used to think that maybe, just maybe, our family was complete with two children. After the pregnancies I had suffered through, I didn’t think I could bare to be pregnant again. God had other plans for us though, and on Easter of last year we found out that we were expecting a tiny baby.
Once the sickness began, I prayed every day to fast forward and not be pregnant anymore. I cried “Why me? Why, why, why?” every day. Literally, a hundred times a day. Every time I threw up so many times I couldn’t see anymore. Every time Kenlie and Audyn watched me from the bathroom door while I crouched by the toilet, wondering if mommy was okay. I tried and I tried to hold it together as best as I could. But there were many days I couldn’t get out of bed. Many days I would go to the emergency room to get the much needed bags of fluid that would sustain my life and yours.
The guilt I felt for missing out on Kenlie’s last few days of preschool. How worried I was, as I sat in the ER just hours before her preschool graduation, unsure of if I would miss it. Finally giving in to the prescription medicine that was sure to make me feel somewhat better, but had the possibility of effecting your growth. Would it cause you to have heart defects? Without it, would I make it through the pregnancy? I so desperately needed to be a mommy to Kenlie and Audyn again. I needed to finish out the promises I had made to my clients. I needed to get better, so that you could grow.
With weeks of trying the right combination of medication, I would eventually start to have one good day thrown into the weeks of sickness. I could begin to go out with daddy and your sisters and do normal family things. I would usually pay the price for it the next day, taking my sickness back to square one. But I would treasure the time of feeling almost like a normal pregnant mommy.
For months I worried. How was this pregnancy going to effect my girls. All three of you. But now you are here. You have been with us for 12 weeks, and I can’t imagine life without you. Your big sisters love you to no end. And when they see you, they shine. I worried for so long, that my pregnancy would change who they are. And it might have. But YOU changed who they are. YOU have changed who we all are. A family of 5. A precious little baby, who loves to snuggle. Anytime you are upset, all I have to do is touch my cheek to yours and all is fine again.
In the long months of my most severe pregnancy, I never imagined the impact you would have on my heart. I’m so glad that God knew just what I needed. I’m so glad you are here.